Yesterday at work, I found myself walking behind an elderly couple. They were both short, bent over slightly with age, and walking very, very slowly. I was in a hurry, and looked for a path around them, but as many older people do, they swayed a bit from side to side as they shuffled along, making it difficult to cut around. Stuck behind them for a hundred feet or so, I looked down and saw that they were holding hands.
Old people holding hands. That has to be just about the sweetest, most romantic thing I can think of. I smiled and thought how adorable it was, and then my heart sank, like it often does when I see something that should be a happy thing. I so wanted for Ryan and myself to one day be like that old couple. And we never will. We'll never grow old together like these two, never have the chance to stay in love for decades.
They must have much for which to be thankful.
Or, maybe they don't. Maybe they've lived a very sad life, or maybe they only found each other two years ago (which would explain why they still want to hold hands). But, in my imagination, they met when they were young, fell in love, got married, had kids, lived a normal married life with its ups and downs, and in their old age are still completely in love with one another. That's the dream I had for Ryan and myself. And when I think about not having these things, in the face of people who do, I find myself growing jealous and bitter. And I must, quite often, remind myself: as many people as I see who have things that I wish I had, who have it better than me, there are countless more who have it worse. Far worse. Tonight, there are people out there who live on street corners. Who can't feed their children. People who have seen unspeakable tragedy - people who have lost their entire families in wars, or in a senseless car accidents. A single viewing of the local news proves what I have often said: no matter what your damage, it can absolutely ALWAYS be worse.
And so, it pays the soul to recognize that there is, indeed, much for which to be thankful. So, despite the cliche, I thought it an apt time of year to remind myself.
I am thankful first and foremost for my gorgeous daughter. Her often cherubic face, her bright eyes, the sound of her laugh and the way she smiles when I come home from work. I'm thankful that she is healthy, and that she is growing. I'm thankful for her fist steps, her first words, her sweet voice. I am thankful when something potentially bad happens to her, and then it turns out to be okay and she is fine. I am thankful for the parts of her that resemble Ryan, and for the fact that not every part of her does. I am thankful that she is punctual, that she showed up in my life when she did, just in time.
I am thankful for family, who took care of me when I needed them to most. Above all, for my parents, without whom I might be a great big ball of crazy by now. I'm thankful that they took me into their home, and have helped me to get through a pregnancy and start to raise my daughter. I'm thankful that they're here, and when I get stuck late at work, or otherwise need a hand, that I am not subject to finding a babysitter or day care late fines, or anything like that. I have many other family members to be thankful for - my sister and her husband, my in-laws, my brother and his wife, my nephews, friends who feel like family, and others who I am forgetting to mention, but without my parents I can't imagine having made it through.
I am thankful for a warm house to live in, particularly on these cold nights. I'm thankful that I can feed my daughter, and myself, and that I don't have to worry about where I'm going stay at night. I'm thankful that I have a job, a decent paying job with benefits and a certain measure of job security. Even if it's not the perfect job, even if it makes me crazy sometimes, I am so thankful to not have to worry about where my next paycheck is coming from. I'm thankful for good bosses, who would give me a good reference if I needed it, and who have shown an immense amount of understanding when I was a less than stellar employee. I'm thankful for my morning coffee. And my afternoon coffee. Pretty much anything with caffeine or chocolate in it - I am thankful. I'm thankful for pajamas. Thankful for quiet moments in bed on a Saturday morning. Thankful when Sophie sleeps all night in her own bed.
I'm thankful for pain, because it is one of the things that makes us human. If I had gone through everything I have in the past year and felt nothing, that would be a sin. While I want so badly not to hurt anymore, and I often shut my emotions down because I just don't have the time for them every day, I'm thankful that I still have the ability to feel the way I do, fully and without filter. I'm thankful for this outlet to express myself and the way I'm feeling, and I'm thankful that sometimes people listen and hold me up, even from many miles away.
And finally, I'm thankful for the time I had with Ryan, even if it was way too short. This one sticks in my throat. I truly am grateful to have known him, loved him, and started to make a life with him, but I still am just so angry that it had to end too soon. It's hard for me to have the grace to just be thankful. But, I try to remind myself to be happy that at least I had him for a time. I'm thankful for the things we did together, even if the thought of much of it nauseates me now, knowing that it's gone. I'm thankful for the memory of his face, his voice, they way his hand felt when I held it. I'm thankful for the voicemail he left me the last morning of his life, even if I can't bear to listen to it. And, perhaps most of all, I'm thankful that I know in my heart that he loved me, even if sometimes it's hard to remember.
That's my short list. Counting blessings doesn't make the sadness I feel go away, but it does lend some perspective. It could always be worse. And there is, almost always, much for which to be thankful.
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