However, when Ryan and I met in 2005, I saw no path to a long-term relationship. We met while we both had part time jobs working at Borders bookstore. One night after I filled in on a Sunday shift, a mutual friend and co-worker suggested we go out for a drink. That was when Ryan and I first got to talking. Ryan later loved telling people how we met; he'd say that we met the old fashioned way - "in a bar". I'm not sure what initially attracted him to me; I think I asked him once and he said that I seemed "interesting". I could be making that up though, it sounds like something he'd say. For my part, I had recently gotten out of a long term relationship, and I found Ryan to be a nice change of pace. He seemed like the type of guy I should be dating, a mature adult with his life together. That's not always easy to find in your mid-twenties. In that first meeting, I found him to be clearly very smart, articulate, well-traveled, a good conversationalist, and handsome. I remember being irritated with myself that I immediately thought about whether or not I'd go out with him. I thought it was unlikely that he had thought that way about me. But, after that night, I don't think it took two weeks before he asked me on our first date- dinner at a jazz club in the city.
Shortly after we started dating though, I found out that he was only in Pennsylvania temporarily - in January he'd be returning to North Carolina for a teaching job. This was a dead end relationship. It was a disappointing realization, because we were having so much fun together. I decided though that the fun was worth it, even if it wouldn't last. We spent most of our free time together for those few months. Our last date before he left was on New Year's Eve 2006, when we had a great time dancing at an Irish pub we used to frequent. When we left each other that night, I was surprised how sad I was, knowing that it was over. I knew I was going to miss him.
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| One of our first pictures together, taken at a wedding in which Ryan was a groomsman. Summer 2006, Blowing Rock North Carolina.. |
Obviously, our story wasn't over. Later that spring, Ryan was accepted into Temple University as a PhD candidate, and was moving back to the area in the summer. I never thought that would definitely mean we'd start dating again, but when he came back, he told me how much he'd missed me. I'll never forget the first time we saw each other again. He took me to one of our favorite places, and we sat next to each other in a semi-circular booth. He put his arm around me and pulled me in so tight it might have been considered uncomfortable. But with him, it felt like coming home. It felt like I was in the place I was supposed to be- we both were. From then on, I don't think either of us ever really looked back- that night I started my life with my perfect mate.
When I think about all of this now, about the feeling of Ryan's arm around me in that booth, I can still almost feel it. And then when I realize that it's gone forever, I think my heart breaks all over again. How can something so wonderful not only be gone from my life, but be gone from the world, with no hope of getting it back? I think in moments like this, I sink into hopelessness, a feeling that nothing will be okay ever again. In my life, the most "right" I've ever felt was being with Ryan, and the loss of him changes the way the world feels to me. While I know that people lose their spouses all of the time, and they go on and many find very fulfilling lives again, for me right now, that just doesn't feel at all possible, and I don't know when it will again.
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