Unfortunately though, my birthday is not exactly what I would call a happy day anymore. Last year on my birthday, I went out to dinner with my husband, spent the night relaxing with him, went to sleep, and woke up four hours later, to his last breaths. It will be difficult for me to ever separate my birthday from that memory. Today is the first birthday I'm having to be without him, and it also means that as of tomorrow, he will have been gone a whole year.
I've tried, unsuccessfully, to think of a way I could celebrate my birthday under such circumstances. When the birthday wishes started rolling in this morning, I started trying to think of something I could ask people to do in Ryan's memory, a donation to a cause, or something of the like, as a birthday gift to me. If Ryan had died of cancer, a donation to cancer research would have been the thing, for example. But Ryan didn't die of something that there is a research foundation for. Though it was a heart problem, it wasn't really heart disease. Research probably wouldn't have prevented his death, as we didn't know he was ill.
So, instead of being an activist for a cause on this day, I would instead ask that as a birthday present to me, you let me pass along some unsolicited, though well-intended, advice. I advise everyone, today and every day, to follow the steps below.
1. Think of the person you love the most. It's probably a significant other, or a child. If you're very lucky, you will have many people who you care intensely for. Try, for now, to just focus on the one person who means the most to you. *
2. Think of what your person means to you, and then, what you mean to him or her. What would your life be like if that person wasn't here? It's an impossible thing to imagine. What would that person do without you, should something happen to you?
3. Now, for that person, if not for yourself, take care of yourself. Get a check-up. Get up to date on your medications, vaccines, whatever it is. We don't know for sure, but there's a chance that Ryan's death was a result of a post-viral infection that started with the flu. At least once a week I wonder if things would be different if I'd have pushed for him to get a flu shot. I got one. Why didn't I insist that he do the same? What's crazy is that he wasn't morally opposed to getting one; he just didn't see the point, and thought it was a waste of his time. Taking care of yourself is never a waste of time. The person you love most wouldn't think so. For the record, I don't think that Ryan was negligent in his own health. He took care of himself as well, or better, than most men his age do. We can always do a bit more though, if only for our loved ones.
4. Whenever possible, don't put things off. It's a busy world we live in, and it's easy to think you'll get to things later. There are so many things Ryan and I never got to, I can't even tell you. It's a cliche to say you should live in the moment - that's hard to do. It's hard to not plan things for the future, impossible even, and you should plan for the future as much as you can. But if there's something that'd really important to you and your loved ones, do it. I have a hard time taking my own advice here, especially now. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to not put off. But before Ryan died, I knew what the important things were, and we put a lot of them off anyhow. Try to not do that.
5. Don't leave anything on the table. Everyone says you should never go to bed angry, but that can be really difficult as much as you try. But, even if you do fight with the person you love, still tell them how much you love them as often as possible. At least every day. That way you'll know that you did it, you'll know that your person knows how you feel about them, and hopefully your person will reciprocate.
After today, I can certainly say that one day, I'll be able to celebrate my birthday again. That's not this year yet, but eventually. That's a good step forward for me, as before I wasn't sure if I ever would want to even acknowledge the day. For this year, thank you to everyone who has read what I've had to say this year, and supported me. And thank you for letting me pass along this advice. I hope someone out there takes it. I'm done now. Consider my soapbox stowed away, back in its proper location.
*Though I lost the person I care about the most in the world, I will strive to follow my own advice with my new most important person. Sophie, everything I do is for you.
2. Think of what your person means to you, and then, what you mean to him or her. What would your life be like if that person wasn't here? It's an impossible thing to imagine. What would that person do without you, should something happen to you?
3. Now, for that person, if not for yourself, take care of yourself. Get a check-up. Get up to date on your medications, vaccines, whatever it is. We don't know for sure, but there's a chance that Ryan's death was a result of a post-viral infection that started with the flu. At least once a week I wonder if things would be different if I'd have pushed for him to get a flu shot. I got one. Why didn't I insist that he do the same? What's crazy is that he wasn't morally opposed to getting one; he just didn't see the point, and thought it was a waste of his time. Taking care of yourself is never a waste of time. The person you love most wouldn't think so. For the record, I don't think that Ryan was negligent in his own health. He took care of himself as well, or better, than most men his age do. We can always do a bit more though, if only for our loved ones.
4. Whenever possible, don't put things off. It's a busy world we live in, and it's easy to think you'll get to things later. There are so many things Ryan and I never got to, I can't even tell you. It's a cliche to say you should live in the moment - that's hard to do. It's hard to not plan things for the future, impossible even, and you should plan for the future as much as you can. But if there's something that'd really important to you and your loved ones, do it. I have a hard time taking my own advice here, especially now. I don't know what it is that I'm supposed to not put off. But before Ryan died, I knew what the important things were, and we put a lot of them off anyhow. Try to not do that.
5. Don't leave anything on the table. Everyone says you should never go to bed angry, but that can be really difficult as much as you try. But, even if you do fight with the person you love, still tell them how much you love them as often as possible. At least every day. That way you'll know that you did it, you'll know that your person knows how you feel about them, and hopefully your person will reciprocate.
After today, I can certainly say that one day, I'll be able to celebrate my birthday again. That's not this year yet, but eventually. That's a good step forward for me, as before I wasn't sure if I ever would want to even acknowledge the day. For this year, thank you to everyone who has read what I've had to say this year, and supported me. And thank you for letting me pass along this advice. I hope someone out there takes it. I'm done now. Consider my soapbox stowed away, back in its proper location.
*Though I lost the person I care about the most in the world, I will strive to follow my own advice with my new most important person. Sophie, everything I do is for you.
Hi Katie, I'm not sure you remember me but I don't think that matters. I just wanted to tell you that you really are an inspiration. I will always keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep safe.
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