I've never been much for New Year's Resolutions. That is, I've never been much for telling people about them - it doesn't mean I don't make them for myself. But as long as I don't tell people, then when they don't work out, it's not a big deal.
And, they're extremely likely not to work out. Most people give them up by halfway through January. I think I've heard that by January 19th, most people are done. I always feel like it would be more productive for me to make new resolutions every month or so, rather than a bunch at the beginning of the year - taking on too much seems to be the road to failure. But there's something so enticing about the beginning of a year - a clean slate, a chance to start fresh after a busy (completely unproductive) December. So I always do make them, thinking this year will be different. And the worse my last year was, the more unspoken resolutions I make. I don't tell people about most of them. They just sit in my head, or, sometimes I write them down. I'd guess I have about a 25% success rate with this system - not great, but not a total embarrassing failure.
This year, I feel like I have about a thousand of them. Throughout the past three months or so, I just kept collecting things I wanted to accomplish. But, with a job that peaks in November and December, it's next to impossible to set out to accomplish anything new in those months. Forget it- if I do it, I fail miserably, and feel terrible about myself later. So instead, every time I thought of something new, I said to myself, "Okay, that will be for January". After three months of treating my every whim this way, I have a "to do" list three miles long. Oh, and I can't remember it, because I didn't bother to write most of this stuff down. (Mental note: add to my list of resolutions that I should write more things down.)
Most of the items on the list are of the "self care" variety. I've started with the old New Years' standards - get back in shape, and eat better. I've vowed to meditate for a couple minutes every day (except for today. And yesterday). I'll take more time for myself. I'd like to find time to write more, and about different things. I've promised to read a certain number of books this year, as I've fallen out of the habit of reading. I'll watch a movie at least once a month - I think I only watched three this year, and that's pretty sad. I've resolved to connect with old friends, to be a better friend in general, return emails and calls faster. And to meet new people. I want to find time to take Sophie places, do Mommy and Me classes, oh yeah, and maybe take a class myself too - even just an online one. I've resolved to begin the ugly process of cleaning out my storage unit (really begin it, really find more permanent homes for things). Maybe find a new home for many of Ryan's things. Look for a new place to live, maybe. Start my life again.
And, I've just described about 200 hours a week worth of material, once you add in work, sleep, and my other responsibilities. How does one organize this type of to do list? Yet again I've created for myself a mountain that seems impossible to climb. All of these little things go into starting my life again. It's important for me to define again who I am, what makes me special and unique - be something other than a widow and single mom. So I need to do all of these things for myself. But, I'll never get all of this done, touch all of these items every week, and I'll feel like I'm letting myself down when I don't.
Which brings me to my number one resolution - the one I can do my very best to commit to and keep. I've been seeing a grief counselor for many months - I see her once a month at this point, and she has a piece of advice that she reiterates to me at just about every session. When I tell her that I'm overwhelmed, that I have no time to move myself forward because I'm bogged down, she always says that I need to change my perspective. Instead of saying "I can't believe I didn't get more done today", say "It's the end of a busy day, and I've done the best, under the circumstances, that I can." So this year, every day, that will be my mantra. It's the end of a busy day, and I've done the best that I can. But I will add one thing to it - I'll try to say I've done the best that I can, and MEAN it. I have to try hard enough during the day, that at the end of it, I can honestly say I've done the best I could.
In 2014, I didn't always do my best. I tried, but I know I didn't always rise to the occasion. Sometimes, I just wanted to give up. The day-to-day single mom/widow baggage is enough, but throw on all of the problems that came up with the sale of my house, and it was a trying year. And I struggled. And sometimes, if not often, my attitude was just bad. When I look back and try to tell myself I did the best I could under the circumstances, I know that some days that was true, and some days it wasn't. And I don't even think that's wrong - 2014 was tough. It was the first full year that Ryan was gone, and it was my first full year of motherhood. It was the first time I've ever sold a home - a home I never wanted to have to sell on my own. It was a lonely year - and a year where I realized that I will probably feel lonely for a very long time, just because I don't fit in with people very well anymore. I'm in a pretty small demographic. It was a year of coming to terms with my new reality. And a lot of trial and even more error. I think it's okay that I had a sour attitude for a lot of it. I struggled. I still do - a lot. The path forward is murky, it feels treacherous, and I have no idea what's on the other side of it. But, then again, neither do you. Even if you think you know where your path is leading - you really have no idea. It could take you anywhere, and you might not like it. Of that, I am living proof. I don't know what's ahead - but that is the great equalizer.
But I can't stand still. This is not a place that I want to settle down - I want so much more in my life. Most of what I used to want has gone away - or seems unlikely or impossible now. So I have to make a new way, and that is big and scary and tiring. And, I want it now. Every little setback is crushing. You would think that after the loss of the love of my life, I'd be better at not sweating the small stuff. But the small stuff often feels likes it's just piling on my broken heart and stopping it from healing. Any little bump in the road feels devastating, or like some sort of preordained bad luck that I'm cursed to for the rest of my life. It becomes very easy to be negative, very easy to expect the worst, very easy to just stand still.
So this year, I promise to do anything but stand still. I must try. I must take the list the I went through above, my 2015 "to do" list, and get through some of it. Do a little each week. This week I did particularly good with reading, dieting, and exercise, for example, but not as great with the other things on the list. It's okay - I did something, and I tried. I did the best I could, most days- and I mean it. Try again next week- and the week after that. And one day, I'll climb the mountain.
