Abandoned

I never stop feeling lonely, even when I'm surrounded by people.  Sometimes though, the feeling goes beyond loneliness to something else.  It doesn't happen often, but I've been feeling it most of this week, as I've worked to try to make a lot of important decisions about my future.  I feel like Ryan's abandoned me.

I think the first time I noticed I was feeling this way, it was my Mom who brought it to my attention.  I can't remember now what triggered it then, but when she said that she thought I might be feeling abandoned, I recoiled.  I thought that was ridiculous at first- how could I be feeling abandoned?  That sounds like it's placing blame on Ryan, and he didn't do anything wrong.  His life was taken from him, way too young, and he never would have left on purpose.  But when I thought about it, I realized she was right- that's exactly what I was feeling, and it's what I've felt periodically ever since.  When I say it out loud, or write it, or sometimes even when I think it, I still feel ashamed.  It wasn't his fault.  But I do feel left behind, and I'm angry about it, and sometimes I'm angry at him for leaving.  This is mostly when I'm thinking about how difficult life can be.  Ryan doesn't have to experience those difficulties anymore, and he can't help me with them either.

In the past week, I've been dealing with a lot of issues regarding our house and my future, and I'm working on making a lot of decisions alone that I would have had help with before.  I've been dealing with this all along of course, but the closer it comes to my due date, the more pressure I feel about it.  It sort of feels like I'm on a deadline.  Making the big life choices without my partner is incredibly stressful.  I was never good at the big decisions to begin with, and having Ryan by my side always helped me to know that we were doing the right thing.  Now I just don't know.  What's the right thing?  I am facing selling our house, finding a new place to live for myself and the baby, figuring out the finances, and raising a baby alone.  In some of my worst times, I ask how Ryan could have left me behind with all of this.  Or, I ask God how he could have done this to me.

It's the little things too.  Ryan made me a lot of promises over time.  When we started trying to have a baby, I gave him a long speech one night about how once we had kids, he'd have to help more around the house.  He promised he would.  When we started talking about moving to a new house, I told him that I wanted nothing to do with packing up and moving his vintage 1980's toy collection.  He promised I wouldn't have to touch a single one of them.  Of course, now both of those things are on me.

A lot of people want to help me.  I'm lucky to have that, I know many single mothers don't.  However, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but it's just not what I want.  I'm an independent person, and I've never wanted to have to rely on too many people.  It's always been important to me that I could take care of myself, and be on my own.  Relying on Ryan was okay, because he relied on me too in a lot of ways.  Each of us had strengths that we brought to the relationship, and with him I could do more than I would have taken on by myself.  We'd formed a strong partnership.  Losing it feels like losing half of myself.  I've lost the ability to stand on my own, but I desperately want to.

The feeling of abandonment isn't just about the responsibilities of life of course, it's about the joys of life too.  I was a happy person with Ryan.  Even though I wasn't happy about every part of my life, I always felt good knowing that I had him, if nothing else.  Lift him out of the equation, and it feels like my anchor is gone.  I've been left behind without the person who brought me joy.  To have Ryan hold my hand, or wrap his arms around me, or to hear his voice saying that he loves me, those thing brought me such happiness and strength before.  Now I don't have those things anymore, and making through a difficult day is impossible.  When I have a bad day at work, I have nothing to look forward to at home- nothing that would make the stress melt away the way Ryan could.  When the pregnancy gives me a backache, Ryan cant be here to rub my back.  When I just need a break, Ryan can't be here to suggest that we just order a pizza and watch a movie.  I'm left alone to find ways to relax, and nothing compares to what I had, so real relaxation never seems to come.

When a loved one dies, we often comfort ourselves by recognizing that they are in a better place.  They are happy.  When I get to thinking about this, and I feel selfish and guilty admitting this, I feel even more left behind.  If Heaven exists, and Ryan is there, then he's in paradise.  He is happier than he's ever been.  On my worst nights, I still beg for him to come back- I beg God to let him come back and to let everything go back to normal.  If Ryan is in a better place though, and he's happier than he's ever been, then I shouldn't be asking for that.  Sometimes, when I think about the afterlife, it feels as though he's left me for something better.

Often, before falling asleep next to each other, I'd hug him tight and say "I don't know what I'd ever do without you".  He'd reply "Don't worry, you'll never have to find out".  A promise made, and unintentionally not kept.  And now here i am, going through the most difficult time in my life, when I could use him the most, and he can't be here to help.