Fall started this week. Another new season without Ryan. Like the beginning of any new season, it's brought with it another round of memories, visceral ones, of a life that's not mine anymore.
I think fall used to be my favorite season in our house, but of course, I thought that about both spring and summer when they rolled around this year too. The truth is that every season had something about it that made life special and different, and there was always something to look forward to. As I've mentioned before, Ryan was a teacher, and the first signs of fall for me were when he would start going in to work to prepare for his upcoming classes. Once classes began, there would often be a lot of reasons for Ryan to be out later than usual, so it was more likely that I would come home to an empty house for a little while. I used to love that- a night to myself, to make whatever I wanted for dinner and have some quiet time. But then, Ryan would still always come home and we'd still be able to have our nights together.
The start of the NFL season was one of the first things that made me notice the change of seasons this year. Ryan loved all sports. He always said that his favorite time of year was that brief period in the fall when football and hockey had both started and baseball was in the playoffs. I could go many nights without seeing much of him in these times; he'd spend his nights in the basement flipping between the games, and I'd be upstairs watching the new fall seasons of my TV shows. Now I wish that we'd spent more of that time together instead of separately in the same house. However, I actually think it's one of the things that really made our relationship work; we loved being together, but knew how to be apart.
Nearly every Sunday revolved around football, whether we were going to one of our parents' houses for the games, or watching together at home. When it was chilly we'd curl up under a cover together and watch the games, or I'd multi-task and do housework between plays. Since Sunday was often a long day home, I'd often cook a more complicated meal on that day, and we'd eat together in front of the football game. I'll never forget the expression on Ryan's face when I'd make my minestrone soup, which I think was his favorite.
Then on Sunday and Monday nights, we'd habitually watch the night time games together, especially when one of our teams was playing. We'd start watching in the basement, and after halftime go up to bed and finish watching in the bedroom. Inevitably, I'd fall asleep sometime around the beginning of the fourth quarter, and wake up either to Ryan turning the game off, or to some super strong reaction he would have to the game. Then I'd turn over, snuggle up against him (especially once it got cold), and fall back asleep. I think now of how comforting that routine was. For the first few weeks of the NFL season this year, I've pretended on Sundays that football wasn't on. But I do keep accidentally catching glimpses of the nighttime games, and it's amazing how visceral the feeling of memory and loss is.
Beyond sports, there are quite a lot of other triggers that come with the new season. When I got my first pumpkin spice latte this season, I thought of how I never could get Ryan to appreciate the pumpkin phenomenon. He didn't want to even try it. I considered it a great triumph last year when I made pumpkin muffins and actually got Ryan to taste them. He didn't like them, but there you go. Oddly, he did like Sweetzels Spiced Wafers, which I also had to force feed him, and I consider that to be a similar flavor palette. For those of you who don't know, these cookies are a Philadelphia area fall staple, and they are very, very crispy. Ryan used to take one and gnaw on it, imitating a squirrel cracking open a nut with it's teeth. One of his goofy animal impressions. When I noticed Sweetzels back on the grocery shelves, I again felt a sharp pain of loss.
We'd very often take at least one weekend trip. I have a job where I can't take off in November or December, and I'd be quick trying to use up a couple of vacation days before then. Since Ryan would be back to teaching, we'd usually be limited to the long weekend thing. A few years ago we did a Boston/Fenway park trip in early September. Last year we went to Washington D.C. All of our many vacations were wonderful, but I particularly liked the quality time we'd get to spend together this time of year. I always knew that we would get very busy closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas, and it felt like early fall was the last chance we'd have to get away together. I can thankfully say that we didn't take those times for granted.
As the calendar turned to September this year, one of the biggest apprehensions I've had was knowing that I'd soon have to make it through Ryan's birthday, which is September 27th- tomorrow. In any other year, I would have spent most of the month trying to find the perfect gift for him, something that would make him light up. It wasn't hard to do, but I'd stress out over it every year. I set the bar too high when I'd bought him an X-Box the first year we lived together. Ryan loved giving and receiving gifts. He'd want to do it first thing in the morning on Christmas and birthdays. I loved how excited he'd be when I really hit the mark. I've felt empty all month not having the fun of shopping for a gift for him. Every time I walk through Macy's (which is a lot), I see things I want to buy him, and then remember that I can't. This year, his birthday is on a Friday too, and I imagine that if he were still alive, I'd be trying to figure out a way we could have celebrated with one more weekend trip away before the baby came. Maybe just a few nights in Philadelphia with a nice dinner at the German restaurant we never made it to, or a weekend in Atlantic City. Either one of those places would be close enough to home that I wouldn't have to worry about the travel. Even though he's gone, it's impossible to stop myself from planning what we would have done if he were here, and I find that with just about everything, especially at the change of seasons.
Autumn comes before winter, and Ryan passed away in the winter. It's hard knowing that the next time I have to go through a change of seasons, it will be the last new season I have to go through.
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