Ryan and the Movies

My Mom has been trying to get me to go to the movies for months.  Probably close to a year, really.  She doesn't care what I see, or who I go with, or when I go, she just wants me to go.  Like, yesterday.  But I don't really want to.

The truth is that I have been completely unwilling to go to the movies to see anything because what I really want is to go see a movie with Ryan.  And obviously, I can't do that.  So anytime my Mom brings it up, I fight with myself about it in my head for a while, and always come out on the side of just not going.  No movie has been worth the emotional rollercoaster I would go on if I actually went.  And I haven't been too interested in taking the time to watch any at home, either.  I'm missing my movie watching partner.

Ryan LOVED movies.  He loved movies of nearly every genre, and he was prolific in his movie knowledge.  He wasn't just your typical action movie guy (though Die Hard was an all time favorite), he liked war movies, period pieces, children's films, comedies, science fiction, and the very occasional chick-flick.  It says a lot of my husband that he offered to take me to see both Sex and the City and Les Miserables.  While he went to both happily, I know he would have rather been watching Iron Man and Lincoln.  He didn't need to worry though - we went to see both of those movies too.

My experience with Ryan and film started when we were dating.  We went to see King Kong in the theater, the 2005 version with Jack Black and Naomi Watts (terrible date movie), and Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in the first few months that we knew each other.  If there was nothing playing at the movies, or we otherwise found ourselves bored in those first months of dating, we'd watch something on DVD.  I remember the first time Ryan suggested this - it was late at night and I didn't think the video store was open.  He told me that we could just pick something from his DVD library.  I expected that to include maybe twenty movies, and didn't expect to find one to watch.  Instead, when I got to his parents' house , he pulled out two giant boxes filled with DVDs and told me to find one I wanted to watch.  I think it took me ten minutes just to sift through them.  I think we watched Legends of the Fall that night - and old movie that Ryan had seen many times before, and I never had.  This is a ritual we would repeat often, both there, and in our own home once we moved in together.  He introduced me to so many great movies that I had just never taken the time to watch before.  He made me brave enough to finally watch Silence of the Lambs and the Kill Bill movies.  He introduced me to classic action movies like Die Hard (all three original movies).  He tried repeatedly to get me to watch Predator- though this is where I drew the line.  No Predator for me.

But back to the theater experience, which is what I started this post about.  I learned quickly that Ryan took his movie-going seriously.  He would want to go see a movie on opening night, which I usually discouraged because, as I constantly reminded him, neither of us were fond of the crowds.  He had no issues putting out the money for the tickets (although he did complain about the rising ticket prices), but found it to be extortion to be forced to pay $8 for popcorn.  He also was pretty sure that movie theater popcorn butter was a carcinogen or something.  So, we usually skipped the snacks.  We'd just sit there, hold hands, and watch the movie.  Very little talking.  Then, we'd discuss the movie for the rest of the night.  I vividly remember many movie nights, sitting in his Audi, driving home from the Regal theater in Oaks and talking about something we'd just seen.  More often than not I'd learn something- from the way that Batman had his back broken in the comic books to how the real plot to kill Hitler differed from the version in Valkyrie.  We'd talk about the previews too, and often have a list of upcoming movies that we wanted to see next.

Over the time we were together, Ryan and I must have gone to the movies fifty times or more.  Since he died, I have been there exactly once.  I went with a close friend to see The Great Gatsby, and had a good time.  But I can't tell you the number of times I wanted to reach over next to me and grab Ryan's hand, lean my head on his shoulder - it was almost a reflex.  Despite enjoying the movie and the time out, I was very sad that day, and I missed Ryan intensely.  One of the worst parts was the drive home alone, with no one to talk to about the movie.  That was over a year ago I think, and I haven't been back since.  As much as I wanted to see American Hustle and a handful of other films this year, I just couldn't bring myself to go through the movie ritual without Ryan.  And I still have a hard time thinking about doing it.

The closest I've come have been a couple of times I've thought about going alone.  Like many things in my life, I get temporarily very excited about it.  I think about going to see a movie, and I think "yeah, I want to do that!"  I think that I'll go get popcorn and a soda for a change, and take myself out to dinner first.I have fond memories of doing exactly that one time when Ryan was out of town.  I start to think of how I could manage it, how my Mom could watch Sophie, I could do it right after work some night, it would be a lot of fun.  And then all at once my body and heart reject the idea.  Nope, I don't want to do that.  I don't want to go without Ryan.  The reward of going to the movies just isn't the same as it used to be.  It should be a place to relax, have fun, and unwind.  I think, for the past year, that it would have been more of a source of stress than relaxation.

Since Ryan died, I've done many of the things that we used to do together - I've gone to many restaurants we used to frequent, I've gone on a few trips, but everything is difficult.  Movies seem especially tough, partly because they were our default date night, and partly because he loved them so much.  I've spent a lot of time being sad that I can't go to see certain movies with him - movies that I know he would have wanted to see.  The Book Thief, Iron Man 3, Captain America 2, The Monument Men, and X-Men: Days of Future Past all come to mind.  How can I go see those without him?  Honestly, I probably wouldn't even want to see a lot of them if it weren't for him.  But he opened me up to a lot of things I hadn't been interested in before.  

I know I won't feel this way forever.  Just like everything else, there simply has been an adjustment period, and eventually things will get back.  Not to normal, but to something tolerable.  It's just another thing that hurts, a wound that needs to heal.  I'm certain to break the moratorium soon, but just as certain to leave whatever movie I see thinking about what Ryan's review would have been, what previews he would have been excited about, and how nice it would be to drive home with him and plan our next movie night.