I Did Not Vote

The title of this blog post is a confession.  It's the first Tuesday of November - Election Day, with a hotly contested Governor's race in my state.  And I did not vote.

*Shame*

I've been feeling wrong about it all day.  As people posted on Facebook about their own visits to their polling places, I felt more and more wrong.  Kate from the year 2000 would be horrified.  The young, idealistic Kate who thought she could change the world would look at me and say, "Who are you?"

It's a question I ask myself often.

So, why didn't I make it to the polls?  Admittedly, they're in walking distance from my house.  It wasn't that I didn't care, I didn't forget what day it was, and I probably could have squeezed it into my morning.  The truth is that I didn't vote today because in the past year, I moved.  I moved to a new voting district, and I simply can't remember if I ever registered in my new district, or if I am still registered in my old one.  I can't find my registration card (either a new one or an old one) in any of the stacks of paperwork in my disorganized life, and in the past two weeks since I realized this, I simply didn't have the time or forethought to try to figure out where I needed to go to vote.  It doesn't help that I'm disillusioned by the ineffectiveness of our government, or that I'm annoyed by all of the political ads that have been littering our life since the summer.  Over the past couple of weeks since I realized that I don't know where to vote, I more than once thought to myself that it didn't really matter anyway.  And despite the fact that I'm pretty firm in my politics, I can't truly call myself an informed, educated voter this year.

Who are you?

This time, I imagine that it's Ryan asking.  I've just called myself uninformed, uneducated, and disengaged.  It would be impossible to be those things living in a house with Ryan, and there's no way I would have gotten away with not voting if he were here.  It's not just that he would have pushed me to be informed and pushed me to go vote (we always voted together, if we could) - it's also the fact that I never was the type of person to be uninformed and disengaged.  That's not who I was, and I don't think it's a person that Ryan would have chosen to marry.  We used to watch the news together often, or discuss it over dinner.  We had lively debates (I think our first big fight was political in nature).  He taught me things I didn't know, and gave me insight on things I didn't understand.  I think I gave him a different perspective, and every once in a while I could change his rigid opinions.  I sometimes think he wouldn't recognize me anymore - I often don't.   Sometimes I worry that if he met me today, he wouldn't be interested in me, and we wouldn't fall in love.  It's a devastating thought.  In those times, I try desperately to find a part of the woman I used to be.  

This whole story about my failure to vote is a good representation of how I feel like I've lost myself in a lot of ways.  My life has changed so much in the past two years that I often feel like I don't have the time or ability to be myself anymore.  For one reason or another, there are so many things I used to enjoy that I can't do much anymore.  Things that used to make me happy, and feel a sense of accomplishment have gone by the wayside.  I try to cram them in, but the pockets of time I have just aren't enough.  I can't say that I've had time to cultivate any of my hobbies in the past month.  I've tried to get back to running a few times a week, or reading every night, or simply fitting in a movie night once every few weeks.  At the end of most days, when my days end at 10 PM and start again at 6 AM, I'm just too tired to start something else.  Most of my news comes from CNN or The Daily Show at this point (neither comprehensive nor unbiased sources) because they fit into my schedule.  I certainly haven't done much travelling with the baby, and I haven't had much cause to cook or bake lately either.  These all used to be things I would use to identify myself - interests, hobbies, things that made me happy.  Things I'd talk about in social situations.  They feel very far away.  Now I identify myself as "Widow".  "Single Mom".  "Full time worker".  This is more demographic information than personality traits.  They're not very interesting talking points.

I know that everyone's lives change when they become parents.  It's just the way of it.  Our busy lives are invaded by little creatures that need our attention every waking moment.  It's exhausting, and there's no going back from it.  But, it's important to find a balance, I think, to find something to make up your "adult life", something that you get to keep from your life before baby.  It's got to be hard for most people.  For me, I think the big problem is that I lost most of these things actually before I became a mom, and then I just never got them back.  When Ryan died, my life was really put on hold, and then with a house to sell, a pregnancy to get through, and now a child to raise, I never really took my life back off of hold.  And now that old me seems so far away that I'm not sure how much of her is there anymore.  Are all of these things that still matter to me, or do I need to start fresh?  When your life is turned upside down, you're not handed an instruction manual or a new identity.  I am trying to keep the parts of me that I like, find a way to fit them into my new existence, and then find some new interests and hobbies too.  It's hard.  And it's so frustrating when I think I'm making something work, and then it falls apart.  Months ago, I had a system where I used the treadmill a couple of nights a week after Sophie's bedtime.  Then, she started staying up later, and I stopped having the stamina.  Then, I started taking long walks with her outside before dinner time - now that's over because the seasons changed.  Things like this happen all of the time, and I can't tell you the number of times I've had to tell myself to start over.  Try again tomorrow.

I'm in here somewhere.  There are pieces that are left, shattered puzzle pieces, and I just have to find the ways that they fit.  I'm missing the big, very important, Ryan shaped piece.  I'll have to fill it with something else- it won't fit as well, but I don't have much of a choice.  And there are other pieces that won't fit anymore either.  But I know I'm in here somewhere- someone I can be proud of, and someone that Ryan would be proud of too.

And Ryan- I'll vote next time.  I promise.